Doug and the Talking Dog
by Gerald Fogg
Summary: Roger hurts Martha, which backfires when she follows Doug home. Also, Roger gets a severe phobia of dogs. Please read!
1. A Day at the Park

Doug Funnie whistled as he walked down the sidewalk. He had Porkchop's leash in one hand, and the handle to her sister Cleopatra "Dirtbike" Funnie's carriage in the other. They were all just walking through the park, when Roger Klotz, the green-skinned bully (Doug was, like, the only normal-colored kid in Bluffington) and his cat appeared out of nowhere.

"Hey, Douchebike!" Roger taunted as he peered into the baby carriage.

Doug gasped. "Hey! Don't you dare call my sister the 'D' word!"

"Shut up, Funnie!" Roger screamed as he looked inside the carriage again, blew a raspberry at her face, and made her cry.

_"Roger!" _moaned Doug. Then he looked at his left hand and saw that he wasn't holding the leash anymore.

Porkchop, still attached to the leash, lunged at the "carrot-top," and then wrapped around Roger's leg and bit his ankle.

"Bwaaaa!" he shouted.

He was about to run away when a giant yellow/white dog with orange spots came sprinting towards him. Roger cowered with fear and hid behind Doug.

The dog ran over Doug and knocked the wind out of him, then skidded to a stop in front of Roger.

"Hello!" it said.

"Bwaaaaaaaa!" he hollered again. This had to be a dream, but when he pinched himself...it wasn't!

Roger, trying to sound fierce, but still very frightened on the inside, replied, "Quiet! G-go away!" and punched the huge dog in the nose. It rolled down a hill, and then, nose throbbing, covered its face with its paws and began to cry like a human!

"BWAAAAAAAAAA!" he screamed. Trying to keep his knocking knees under control, he slapped the dog, making it cry all the harder.

"OH, MY GOD! RUN!" he blurted out to his purple feline, shivering. Then he looked and saw that she was currently busy fighting with Porkchop. Roger broke them up, picked up his pet, and ran away as fast as he could. The big yellow dog just walked down the street bawling its eyes out.

"**WAAAAAAAAAHHHH!**"

Doug got up off the ground and dusted himself off.

"Well, that was weird," he said to Porkchop as they started for home.


	2. Roger's Mommy

Roger Klotz ran out of the park and into his mansion.

"Momomomom!" he shouted.

"What is it, honey?" asked his mom, who was washing dishes in their big-ass sink.

"There was this giant yellow dog in the park," panted Roger, "and it was TALKING! Then I punched it in the nose and it was crying!"

"Honey, you're probably getting sick and hallucinating. You should go to bed. Dogs don't have human vocal cords."

"But I..." he tried to protest.

"No buts." Mrs. Klotz grabbed him by the hand and put him to bed. "You want your bear to make it better?"

While she was tucking him in, Roger looked out the window and saw Doug and Skeeter walking down the street outside.

"Nooooooooooo!" Roger drew the shades and knocked the teddy bear out of his mom's hand. She just shrugged, and walked out of the room.

Roger opened the window and yelled, "You weren't supposed to see that!"

"Huh?!" Doug was puzzled.

"Um...bye, Roger! *Honk-honk!*" Skeeter waved as they turned the corner.

Mrs. Klotz went back downstairs to wash dishes in the kitchen. Suddenly, she heard a voice...

"No one loves me!"

She ran to the living room window and looked out.

There, walking down the street, was the dog Roger described, trotting down the street with a bandaged nose.

"AAAAAHHHHH!" Mrs. Klotz shrieked. The window almost went to powder, and a nearby vase cracked down the middle.

"Then...My little boy was right!"

* * *

Doug walked home with Porkchop. He didn't see the dog talk since it ran over him and knocked the wind out of him. It took a few minutes just for him to get up. He did hear everything though, but thought Roger was harassing a girl. But why did he tell his cat to run after that? It was probably because he got caught by an adult. Doug walked up the driveway to sit on the stoop.

Then the dog from the park walked up the driveway and sat next to him. So now Doug was flanked by canines.

For a few minutes, there was silence, with Doug smiling at Porkchop and the other dog and them flashing one back at him.

Then the yellow dog pushed the door open and walked inside. Porkchop followed, and now it was just Doug. Then he went inside and went upstairs to his room.

Mr. Funnie was was sitting on the couch reading the paper. Then Porkchop jumped on the couch and began to lick his face. He pushed him off the couch and went back to his newspaper.

A few minutes later, a big yellow dog with spots on its back hopped onto the couch and curled up on top of Mr. Funnie, who felt something on his lap, crushing him. He put down the paper again and walked the big girl outside, patting it on the head before the front door.

"Dooooouuuuuug!" he called up the stairwell. "Did you leave the front door open again!?"

Doug didn't hear him because Porkchop was in his room again, bouncing around to "Doin' the Dog."

* * *

Doug's parents were supposed to get him and Judy to go to the store today, but they forgot to remind them, so now they were fixing a quick supper of Granny's Alphabet Soup.

The golden retriever/pit bull(?), still waiting outside on the front porch, heard the distinct sound of alphabet soup pouring coming from inside and began to somewhat violently scratch on the door.

Mrs. Funnie got the soup out of the microwave and ran to the door.

"What's going on out here?!"

The big dog tried to utter something with the bandages tied tight around its muzzle, but it came out muffled. Mrs. Funnie thought it was just a whimper, and opened the door.

She was surprised when a dog with an hurt nose scrambled into the house into the kitchen.

"Heyyyyyyyyy!" exclaimed Judy, who was in the kitchen with her parents. "Poor thing!" she said, taking the bandages off the dog. "How did you get here?"

The dog opened her mouth and took a deep breath...

* * *

Meanwhile, Doug was writing Quailman comics and Porkchop was watching him, finally calmed down for the night...

"AHHHHHH!"

Doug heard the screams coming from downstairs and went down to the kitchen.


	3. Getting to Know You

"AHHHHHH!"

Doug ran down to the kitchen, where his family, except for Dirtbike, who was taking a nap in her crib, was huddled in the corner of the room.

"What's wrong guys?"

"I-It t-t-taaalked!" quivered Mrs. Funnie.

_What the heck? The only other one in the room is that retriever, and dogs can't talk!_

He ran over to see if they were right.

"Speak, girl!" commanded Doug.

"Gee, I thought you'd never ask!" the dog replied.

"GAAAAAASSPP!¡!¡!" went Doug and everyone else in the room.

"How does she do that?!" Doug wanted to know.

The dog opened its mouth to speak, but then Judy interrupted with one of her crazy ideas.

"That dog is possessed!"

"What!?"

"Yes," Judy continued, "the spirits inside me must have come out while I was meditating in my room and somehow got into that dog! The spirits are the one that are talking, not the dog! We must perform an exorcism right away!"

"Well, I don't really believe in that stuff," said Mr. Funnie. "but you're right!"

"Hey, guys! Remember when we had Bojangles last night?" Mrs. Funnie pulled some chicken bones out of a Bojangles box in the trash can. "Look! For the ritual!"

"Good! Anyone know any chants?" asked Judy.

"I do!" chimed in Mr. Funnie, walking to the center of the room.

"Hon de laud hup hivvel up Nick! Hon de laud hup hivvel up Nick-Nick! Hon de rikki-tikki lo y living #1 Nickelodeooon!" he chanted. "I still remember that from our original air before we moved to ABC's Disney Block!"

"Not THAT kind of chant!" shouted Judy, annoyed. "That's the Calling Cades!"

"STOOOOOOOOP!" yelled the dog, now very overwhelmed. "I'm not possessed! Alphabet soup makes me talk! That's why I wanted in!"

"Hey, what's your name, girl?" asked Doug. "Where's your license?"

"Oh, my name is - " she started, but Doug dug around in her fur and found her nametag on her collar before she could finish.

"Martha. Hmm. How does alphabet soup make you talk?"

"Actually, I'm not really sure yet. I think it has something to do with my brain. I think the letters in the soup get lost and head up to my brain."

"How does alphabet soup get to your brain from your esophagus?" Mr. Funnie scratched his head.

"I don't know that either. But if I skip a day of alphabet soup or something, I start to talk funny."

"Well, we'll make sure you get some then," Doug promised Martha.

"Aahhh!"

Wailing came from upstairs.

"Dammit, Cleo woke up," grumbled Mrs. Funnie. "I need someone to go change her diaper!"

Doug hesitated, but obliged.

"What does 'oblige' and 'hesitate' mean?" asked Martha.

Judy, now furious, slammed a dictionary onto the the coffee table seething with rage.

"D'AAAH!" Martha was startled because the heavy book had just missed smashing her paws.

"Look it up..." growled Judy as she turned the dictionary to the letter "H".

"I can't read!" whined Martha.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" screamed Judy in frustration. She attempted to pull her hair out, but it was stuck to her head.

All six of them (except Porkchop) ate alphabet soup that night, and turned in early.


	4. The Nightmare

"Son, if you keep this up, we'll have to put you in mental therapy," joked Roger's father, Jason Klotz, totally unaware there actually was a talking dog. He tucked his son in and held up a teddy bear. "You want your Pooky-bear?"

At first, Roger said, "NO!" and punched the bear out of his dad's fist, but once he had it beside him, he dropped off into a deep slumber...

* * *

Roger found himself falling out of the sky. He landed in a room full of caged animals.

He was in an animal shelter!

"Oops, missed one," said a shelter employee, tossing Roger into a vacant cage and locking it so he could not get out of there.

"Hey, looks like we have a new neighbor!" someone shouted.

"Who said that?!" Roger asked nervously, looking around.

"Over here," said another voice.

Roger looked in the cage beside him and found Ren the Chihuahua and Stimpy the cat. How they ended up here is a total mystery.

"Hey, get out of here, ya Nicktoons!" Roger yelled, mean on the outside, but getting tense on the inside. Sort of like how a rare steak hides it redness on the inside with hot and brown on the outside.

Stimpy farted.

"Stimpy! I swear to God!" said Ren disgustedly, trying to fan the smell out of the cage. "I thought I told the owner to separate us!"

"I'm warning you!" Roger's voice cracked.

"Hey, shut up! I want to watch TV!" Roger looked in the cage under him and saw the mutt from the park, and it had snuck a wind-up portable television into its cage.

"Stop it! Right now!" Roger warned as he tried to keep his voice steady.

"SHUT THE HELL UP, KLOTZ!" barked a parrot that was residing right above Roger.

Roger broke out of his cage and ran out of the animal shelter screaming and crying.

* * *

Roger woke up with a mixture of sweat and tears on his face and pillow.

It was 5:00 in the morning, not even dawn yet. It was still very dark outside.

Roger, unable to fall back asleep, decided to get up and get a before-breakfast snack.

Dawn broke outside as he made himself some milk and cookies.

Jason walked into the kitchen to make his morning tea and noticed his carrot-top son at the table nibbling at oatmeal cookies.

"What are you doing here?" his dad asked, smiling. "You don't need to get up for at least two hours!"

"I had a nightmare about _TALKING ANIMALS!_" blurted out Roger, still a little frightened.

"Oh, the nighties, eh?"

Their conversation was briefly interrupted when the teapot emitted a shrill whistle, then began to whistle "Forget Your Troubles, Come On, Get Happy," and Jason had to run over and attend to it. (Yes, things like this happen on a regular basis in the cartoon world of Doug.)

"Yeah," said Roger, dunking his cookie into his milk.

"I hate the nightmares!" Jason poured the tea into a cup, and took a long sip. "Well, when you're finished with that, you should try to go back t ok sleep for a little while longer. Then you can get up and get ready for church."

"Church?"

"Son, we always go to church as a family on Sunday morning. Remember?"

After he said that, the teapot promptly began to whistle "Some Sunday Morning."

"Awwww," groaned Jason, burying his face in his hands. "Maybe I should've worded that sentence a little differently."

Roger finished his cookies and milk. "I'll take care of it, Dad," he said, getting up from the table. "Shut up and cut the show tunes, jackhole!" And with that, he knocked the teapot off the stove. It broke and shattered all over the floor, but at least it faltered whistling when it did.

_Wow, he's cranky today! _his father noted silently. "Uh, son, maybe you should go back to sleep," he said to his son aloud. "Then you can get up and get ready for church.

"All right," said Roger, putting his dirty plate and glass in the dishwasher, "as long as they're aren't any _TALKING ANIMALS THERE!_" Then he ran out of the room and up the stairs, causing his father to raise an eyebrow suspiciously.


End file.
